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Hi guys,

I wanted to share something with you all. This is really for my benefit I suppose I'm trying to make myself feel better.

This time last year was one of the happiest times in my life. I was elated, walking on air, everything seemed so perfect. I watched the fireworks in awe, went to the Fenwicks Christmas window opening and watched the snow come off the roofs. I was so happy.

That's not the case now. I've tried to be happy, don't get me wrong, But today is just a shit day. I've spent the whole day crying. I was meant to be doing my dissertation but honestly if I even think about the time I've wasted I'll just cry even more. Instead, I've watched Louise Live DVD, Friends, Rose and Rosie videos, spoke to people online and edited a fan video together. Total waste of my day as it turned out shit and got copyrighted by YouTube about 5 billion times. Not ok. But there was just no way I could do work. My eyes are so sore from crying, I'm exhausted but here I am, red, puffy eyes, can barely see. But hey world this is what's happening just now.

I need to get it off my chest but this isn't the place. I wanted to send a heart felt message to a fave. Just because I knew they'd understand, but to be honest, I don't know what to say. I want to say everything and nothing at the same time. I have everything and nothing to say, how is that possible?

Picture that opening scene of Bridget Jones, you know, the sobbing Bridget on the sofa, drinking wine and listening to sad music. Well I'm basically that but without the wine. Which makes everything 1000 x sadder.

My room is cold, my lips are purple, I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I wanna talk but I wanna be alone. All I know is that today is hell. These last few months have been hell. There's always moments of happiness but today is just not one of those days. I've tried everything to feel better today but the sting of my eyes just reminded me why I was upset in the first place. No way out of it today. No work to be done today. It's all just stressing me out today.

If you understand thank you. If you don't then that's fine too.

I'm not going to re-read this before I post it. So if there's mistakes then I'm sorry but I just needed to blurt it all out. Kind of. This is my safe place so thank you for being a part of this with me.

Until a happier time.



Yours,

X.